Grandparents: How to Help in Divorce

Grandparents, whether directly or indirectly, are often involved in divorce cases and other custody disputes. Their child and grandchildren may come to live with them during or after a divorce for a period of time, or they may become a bigger part of their grandchildren's child care due to decreased finances. Even if the involvement is the same as before the divorce came about, grandparents are still impacted by the new situation. One piece of advice? Don't take sides! Grandparents will naturally "side" with their child if a divorce becomes antagonistic. But this can be detrimental to the children; a child loves both of his or her parents, and will be taken aback if they hear their grandparent say something derogatory about either parent. It's hard for a child to trust someone who says terrible things about a parent. Children are smart and observant, and do not easily forget what they hear. A grandparent should learn to bite his or her tongue and hold back any vilifying comments, even if there is a good reason to be angry, no matter how difficult it may be.


If a grandparent does talk negatively about the other parent, before, during or after a divorce, time with their grandchildren may be dimished as a result. If you are a mother, and you know your mother-in law (or former mother-in-law) constantly talks trash about you, would you want your children spending time with her? Probably not. What about the annual week-long trip to the beach that your mother-in-law took your children on? Not gonna happen this year -- a week of listening to how horrible of a parent I am? I don't think so! Keeping quiet keeps your grandchildren close. And if a child asks or wants to talk about the divorce or dispute, or if a grandparent feels the need to say something about the situation, simply saying that the divorce is no one's fault, including the child's for example, might help.

Grandparents are in a unique situation during divorce. Both their granchildren and their children will lean on them during the process and grandparents have the ability to diminish the trauma, or contribute. Our firm has dealt with enough cases involving grandparents, divorce and visitation and I can tell you that if the grandparents put aside their feelings about the other parent and instead focus on the thing everyone has in common: love for the children, all parties will benefit.